May 24, 2005

A little side trip

I am going to take a little side trip here from my journey through Europe and tell you another story, a completely different one. Last night my phone rang at 11:30 pm. I answered it to hear the voice of the current wife of my very ex-husband. She wanted the phone number of my daughter, said my very ex-husband was in the hospital, had been for a year, and was much worse, extremely ill. (I have since found out that most of this is exaggerated, which is her style.) Apparently he didn�t have his daughter�s phone number so I gave it to her. The phone rang again at 12:30 am. This time the current wife of my very ex-husband said the number I gave her had been disconnected. She had, actually, written one of the digits down wrong. So I gave her the right number and hung up. Then I had a terrible stomachache. Today I feel very angry and at times want to scream and/or cry, I�m not sure which, whenever I think about him, the very ex-husband.

What I have come to realize today is that these are my feelings; they come from long ago, were charged up, heated up and spewed out like a volcano with the thought of this man dying, finally, after all these years, taking with him some of my unresolved feelings. (We haven�t spoken in years, by his choice, and probably never will again whether he lives or dies.) What I realize is that these feelings are not �about� him. They are just my feelings charged up because I expected something different. My marriage was not what I expected. I never expected it to be as bad as it was. �He� did not disappoint me. My "expectations of him" did. And that is what the anger is about, what has to blow up and burn with the volcano. At least I am beginning to see the landscape more clearly now.

Posted by leya at May 24, 2005 09:59 PM

Big hugs to you dear lady!
You write the most interesting things and I loved your pictures of Europe. Truly blessed you are and never forget that!
It matters not what lies behind us
It matters not what lies before us
What matters is what lies within us!!!!!!!!

Love and smiles across the miles!~

Posted by: Jeanne at May 25, 2005 09:25 AM

I don't have any words for this, but I've been thinking about you and Tamar. What a hard time, for so many reasons.

Posted by: Rachel at May 25, 2005 08:11 PM

Rachel and Jeanne, I can't thank you enough for you kind thoughts.

Posted by: Leya at May 25, 2005 09:01 PM