The garden renovations continue. Today a load of garden soil was delivered. My neighbor’s sons, Ben and Josh, have been coming over and helping me clean up the debris, build rock walls and now, toss the dirt. It all feels so necessary. We have been fortunate to have some sunny days, unusually warm for April, and being outside is easy.
The changes in my immediate landscape are not without some doubts. Recently a friend expressed dislike for the barrenness of my yard. Lots of trees downed. And I, for a couple of days, wondered what I was doing. I heard her voice, not mine. But then I realized, again, how this visual landscape is liberating for me. I’ve decided to take the winter to make the big decisions about what to do with the field that was once the woods.
Recently, now that the weather is warmer, whenever I can, I've been fiddling around the yard, pulling up little shrubby trees and planning the garden. I’ve been wanting to expand my vegetable garden but not quite sure how. For the past few years, my vegetables haven’t been doing as well as they did. A friend suggested cutting down the trees surrounding the garden. Vegetables don’t like any shade when growing. At first I was hesitant, was going to cut down only a few, just to let in more light. But then it seemed to have a mind of its own and I trimmed the woods so that now the land is exposed and spacious.
My neighbor Mike cut down a lot of the tall but ugly trees that stood behind the garden. There must have been at least fifty scraggly trees back there. Mischievously, I love to tell people I’ve been clear cutting my land, but really, it’s definitely a necessary improvement in many ways. It's strange, having been here over twelve years, enjoying the feeling of living in the woods, the seclusion, but now wanting to open up the landscape, let in more sunshine.
It feels like an outer manifestation of what I am feeling inside. A desire to move out into the world. It’s reflected in my artwork as well. I’m not sure what other people see, but I feel there is a stronger expression, more need to take chances, try new possibilities. I’m having photos taken tomorrow evening. That always gives me a better opportunity to see what I am actually doing. With his bright lights and focused camera view.
Meanwhile I have a lot of landscaping to do. I will have to build more rock walls to contain the dirt for the garden. Then buy the dirt and plant. The back of my house, the studio side is now exposed and I’ll have to do some landscaping there as well. Paint the door and maybe build an arbor over it. Many possibilities.
The sun is shining somewhere. I’m sure! We are having another heavy rainstorm. The lake is full and the brook is overflowing its banks. Walking on the trail is hard because of the water, but it is not snowing. Otherwise, it's been warmer but still cold and damp.
I had an amazing dream the other night. In it I was remarried to my ex-husband. We were moving into a beautiful old house. It had big rooms, high ceilings, all the things that make me feel good in a residence. I’m not sure where it was, in New York where we lived together, or here, but we were very happy and getting along easily. I remember unpacking some silverware, real silver, with a lovely pattern, somewhat similar to my mother’s silver, but not quite. I was thrilled with it.
In actuality, my marriage and my divorce were anything but happy and easy. So it felt like a very good dream, a turning point in my dream-life.