At dinner the other night I was talking to a distant relative about our still-so-tentative plans to move to Toronto. Her comment? Move to Austin. There's a bourgeoning film community there, real estate is cheap compared to here, it's a hip town.
Well, yeah, but. First off, it's still in the US and part of the point of this move is the exodus from said country. Second, and more pertinent to this entry, it's in Texas. I do not want to live in Texas. If I don't feel a simpatico with California, what are the odds I'm going to feel one with a conservative state where people wear cowboy hats without irony? Where winters lack bite and summers scorch the inside of your mouth? I want seasons and I want camaraderie.
I’m sure Austin is indeed a good place to live, and this is not a slam on the town. At all. But I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes a place compatible with a person – or is it vice versa? And though I don’t have any conclusions, I do know that I don't want to live in a town that may be hip and fun and cool but where the surrounding countryside feels out of sync with me. It does matter. The first time we drove to the outskirts of LA, the first time we got out of the car somewhere on the long stretch of I-5 through farming country, and the first time we drove due east toward the desert, I felt so odd walking around in these small desert towns. Redneck country, or so it felt then. The truth is of course more complicated but nevertheless out of sync with me, a New Yorker, a city kid who wore her radical opinions on her sleeve and usually dressed all in black.
I asked my relative what it's like living in her small East Coast city. She shrugged and said she mostly socializes with people from her work community. And isn't that the way it always works? You develop a small circle of friends and acquaintances, building your own community in the larger setting. So why does it matter where you are? You can always do that, right? Especially in a large city. Lots of different kinds of people here. And it's true. As far as it goes.
But as I said to her then, the where matters in ways you might not expect. For instance, everyone here assumes I changed my last name when I got married. Even progressive women who didn't change theirs. Because nearly every woman does. At Damian's school they have the hardest time, not knowing whether to call me Mrs. V or Mrs. B. It never seems to cross their minds that I'm Ms. B. My own person, not labeled as Miss or Missus, not identified by marital status. It's like a time warp, I swear. If I were still in New York? I'll bet you anything everyone would assume I hadn't changed my last name. And nearly every woman here dyes her hair. It's a given. Not in New York, certainly not in Boston (my aunt has lovely gray hair), probably not in Toronto. But in Los Angeles, image conscious capital of the universe? You betcha. And here when I bring up our potential move, most everyone squirms and either changes the subject or talks about what a nice city Toronto is. And these are avowed liberals, people who probably feel dreadful about the political climate in this country. In New York, Laura tells me, they dive into the political rationale behind the move. Different cultures. Different styles.
Where you live does matter. The street, the neighborhood, the town, the state, the country. It permeates everything even when you think it doesn't.
Posted by Tamar at December 26, 2004 07:51 PMYou're right, it does matter where you live. I grew up in a small town in the Midwest and I always wanted to live somewhere bigger. I moved to a mid-size city for graduate school (still in the Midwest) and then to the DC area for my first job. My family has always traveled, I am not one of those Midwest folk who is afraid of the city, etc. but I hated it. The lifestyle was not mine. Sure, my co-workers shared the same political ideology as I did, but they were freaked out by my Lutheranness, which you can imagine made me really up in their face about the 95 Theses...
I lasted less than a year and then took a job in a town only slightly bigger than the one I grew up in. I still love cities, ethinic food, etc. so I travel as much as I can afford and got really excited when our small Chinese restaurant hired a sushi chef!
Posted by: Rachel at December 27, 2004 07:48 AMThe "where" definitely matters, although sometimes you don't realize it until you learn the hard way, and some people feel a much stronger connection to a place than others.
I grew up near Boston, went to undergrad in Connecticut, moved to Portland, OR, for my first bout at grad school (20 months), worked near Paris for 6 months, lived with my sister in Las Vegas for about the same amount of time (talk about a "where" that doesn't agree with you! climate, culture, community - yikes!), moved back East to live with Mom to save money for grad school, then spent 7 years in the lovely city of Madison (PhD + work), and recently relocated to Sacramento (so far, so good!).
Throughout all of these experiences, I've learned a few things about how I interact with a place and how important the "where" is to achieving personal happiness. I've also learned that I'm forever and always a New Englander at heart (go Red Sox!), and that's a good thing.
So I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings about finding the right place for you and Dan and Damian and the felines. If you make the move to Toronto, I'll be envious, since it's a pretty damn cool city from what I've heard (and seen during a brief visit), and the possibility of adopting a new but nearby country has been under consideration in our household, too.
Good luck with the decision!
Posted by: jms at December 27, 2004 12:22 PM