December 17, 2004


I tend to think of weight issues, overeating, that whole arena, as being emotionally linked. As in: I'm depressed, therefore I crave comfort food. I'm anxious, therefore I jitter and mutter and grab food off the shelf to put in my mouth as if somehow it will magically also stuff my brain so full it'll quiet the worry. And to some extent, I think that's all true. But knowing it doesn't seem to stop the urge, doesn't seem to solve the problem.

I've been exercising a lot lately. Well, a good amount. Working those muscles, pushing and pulling on the Nordic Track, feeling those endorphins. I've even developed calluses on my fingers where the rope pulls through my hands. And yet I haven't or hadn't lost any weight. Gained a little, even. Disturbing. What was happening?

Well. Um. You see.

This is embarrassing.

I'm going to jump right to the conclusion here, okay? Maybe that'll make the confession easier.

I realized that food can equal comfort, yes, can equal mood stabilizers, yes. It can also equal money. A cornucopia, richness, the bounty of the harvest. Think about the words, their connotations. Rich food, a sense of luxury. I've been feeling poor lately, feeling frustrated and stymied with it. I can strategize, organize, plan ways to start bringing in a real (or even semi-real) income, but it's all in the future. I can't do much right now, not while Damian's still in school part time. Thus the frustration. Thus the emptiness. Leaving me wanting. Leaving me feeling greedy.

Chocolate, wrapped in gold foil, symbolizes money at Hanukkah. Traditional for the kids. Well, I've been eating my own kind of gelt. Valhrona chocolate, Scharffen Berger, small medallions made by a company called Lake Champlain. The good stuff. Rich, dark, spreads on your tongue like liquid gold. Just a little bit won't affect my weight, right?

But the urge for a little now, a little an hour later, a little after that, it does. Adds up like expenditures on a credit card. Time to pay the bill and oh damn, that hurts.

I don't know how to create true non-monetary richness in my life, not yet, but I'm thinking about it. But I can tell you this: it's not about the chocolate.

I've lost three pounds this week. My secret? No more chocolate. Sad but true.

Oddly, I feel richer for it.

Posted by Tamar at December 17, 2004 01:03 PM

Can you come to my house and find the magic, disposable food item that will let ME lose three pounds in a week? Sheesh. ;-)

Posted by: Tiny Coconut at December 17, 2004 05:10 PM

I wish it were that easy for me. I gave up chocolate but am still the same. And lost the desire to eat chocolate the way I used to. meh.

Posted by: domynoe at December 17, 2004 11:51 PM

I came across your site under a search for my job. by reading for 30 seconds I thought of a book that I read. called: Calm Energy: how people regulate mood with food and exercise. By Robert Thayer. Very interesting and enlightening for me and people here at my fitness center who have read it. Hope you look it up and maybe get it, it's very helpful!

Posted by: kgg at January 6, 2005 04:39 PM