I should be getting ready to go. My mother is on a plane right now, flying from Nova Scotia into San Francisco. She has a one-woman show at a good gallery and the opening is tomorrow. I wanted to be there. I planned to be there. Iím not going to be there.
Sometimes you know whatís right even though itís wrong. Sometimes you canít choose what you want. Last night was one of those times for me. I stayed awake worrying, going over the plan, wide awake well after midnight. Damian would be coming with me on the plane tomorrow, Dan would join us Friday night. Sounds simple, sounds easy. But with a special needs child sometimes the simple isnít. Damian is doing well right now, yes. Weathering the huge change from special needs preschool to regular kindergarten better than expected. But that doesnít mean heís as flexible, as able to handle the chaos of travel, as another child might be. Not right now. Not in the midst of an emotional, bewildering time of change.
Dan and I talked it over. I got up to call my mom at two a.m. (six a.m. her time). She agreed. It makes sense. Itís the right decision.
This isnít the first time Iíve cancelled a trip on his account. I was going to go to New York to attend a good friendís wedding while I was pregnant. I was going to go to Montreal for the opening night of my brotherís play. I stayed home both times. The pregnancy was too fragile. Later, the baby was too fragile, then the child too sensitive, and we traveled less and for a couple of years we stopped altogether. I read Tiny Coconut describing how she left her seven year old daughter with her parents (Em's grandparents) for a week and I shake my head in wonder. I can't imagine Damian being okay with that. But we do travel with him now, and itís usually a success. Heís mostly a good companion, likes seeing new places and learning new things. But sometimes itís better for him if we stay home. Even if itís not what I want, itís what he needs. This is what it means to be a parent, at least to this child. Not quite the way I pictured it. Worth it, of course. But there it is.Posted by Tamar at September 22, 2004 01:49 PM