July 11, 2004

without kid

This will be only the second time Damian has been without me overnight. In six years. (The first time was Labor Day weekend last year; I went solo to Boston for my cousinís wedding.)

Damian is having a hard time with the idea. Heís tried to convince me that we should use my printer, take it apart and fix it, and give them those pictures. That they should find another printer in Los Angeles and I could take pictures of that one instead of the one that's far away in Irvine. And finally, that someone else should do the job.

He told me yesterday that he was ďa little worriedĒ about my going. Perhaps an understatement. Today heís been an emotional volcano, erupting at regular intervals. I sat patiently on his toy box this afternoon while he rampaged and yelled until I finally asked, ďAre you feeling anxious about my job?Ē He burst into tears. I coaxed him to sit in my lap so we could talk about it. Which we did, and it seemed to help.

Part of me thinks I should feel guilt. Mommy guilt. Mother abandons child, rushes off to Irvine. But yíknow, this childís been like glue for the past six years. Another limb, and not so phantom either. Iíve given a lot of myself to him. He needed it. But he can handle this now. Dan will be here, school is in session, Damian will be fine.

Growing up isnít simply a matter of child growing away from parent, gaining independence and confidence. Sometimes itís about the parent too. Iím not the woman I was before giving birth. Damian has changed me. And thatís a gift. Now Iím ready to leave for brief forays, see who this new person is when Iím in the working world.

Besides, thereís always the phone.

Posted by Tamar at July 11, 2004 10:37 PM