on my own

Tomorrow marks a week since I unofficially left Weight Watchers and stopped counting points. It feels so strange; I don’t write down every bite anymore and yet I still consider myself on a weight loss plan. Just a more idiosyncratic one. I find myself running tallies in my head, toting up the overall value of dinner, and then realizing, duh, I don’t have that little notebook in my everpresent backpack anymore. I’m free!

Don’t get me wrong, I think journaling your food intake is a very good idea. Without weighing and measuring my food, constantly adding everything up, I’d never have lost twenty three pounds. But the point is to give myself a little more breathing room now. To see if I can do this without quite the same obsessive worry, that feeling I was always about to go over my points allotment, the guilt when I did go over even if it was planned and I still had flex points left. That feeling of being trapped inside a box that said Target: Twenty Points A Day. Instead of all that, I want to listen to my body and see what I’ve learned from the past six months. See if I can make this work on my own terms.

How did I do this week? Well, it’s been interesting. Ironically, I think I’ve stayed within my points allotment (including flex points, that is). I’ve learned new eating habits over the past months and they’ve stuck. I eat broccoli with a sprinkle of miso dressing or air-popped popcorn or goat cheese on a Wasa cracker (ie: edible cardboard) for a late afternoon snack now, and that feels natural. When I crave chocolate, I eat a Haagen Dazs chocolate sorbet bar (two points). I eat a chicken thigh for dinner instead of thigh plus drumstick. I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet.

I do give myself some freedom, though. Yesterday I had eggs benedict with smoked salmon and a lemony homemade hollandaise sauce. It was yummy. It made me happy. I don’t regret it. But I was doing that on Weight Watcher’s too; flex points are great for that kind of occasional indulgence. So I think I’m still good to go. Which means I’ve learned the necessary lessons. Or so it seems right now, though I realize Week One off the WW plan is early days yet.

One thing is different, though. I’m hungry a lot more. Ravenously hungry. Eat a whole horse hungry. Every three hours. I had to go shopping today to have enough stuff so I wouldn’t accidentally gulp down one of the cats in my frantic hunger. It’s like I’m back at the beginning of the diet and my body hasn’t adjusted to the lower calorie intake yet.

This is very weird. Either I’m pregnant (god forbid) or my now-daily workout is paying off. Lifting weights every other day, aerobics on off days. Building muscle, burning fat. I can feel firm bulges in my lower back now, on either side of my spine. I don’t think I’ve ever had muscles there. I’m not sure what they’re supposed to do, but they’re kind of cool. I just hope the hunger subsides. Oh yes, and that my scale shows some new numbers. Lower ones. And soon. Next week would be good.

I like this, though. I like being on my own. Well, not entirely on my own, since Dan is also working out more now and eating better; he’s my fitness buddy. But I’m without that corporate stamp of approval in my official little passport. I liked Weight Watchers because I had felt so lost without it, groping for answers in the dark. How much to eat, what kind of food was best. How to handle the cravings. Now I know. And the truth is, I’m not a joining-the-club kind of person. I’d rather do things on my own or with friends. Not within a larger structure. So this suits me fine.

As long as it works.

Posted by Tamar at March 12, 2004 07:29 PM